Top 5 Albums of 2007 (according to me)

5. Derek Webb - The Ringing Bell

One reason this CD is on here is because I had the joy of seeing many songs performed live right in front of me, which was amazing considering the band was Mr. Webb along with Andrew Osenga, Cason Cooley, and Paul Eckberg. But even though I'm somewhat biased, I would be hard-pressed to find a better album that came out this year (other than the four listed below). Derek Webb seems to keep reinventing his sound and with an album that involves more electric guitar riffs than ever, The Ringing Bell is different than any before it.

Of course, that makes it sound like the rock setup is the only reason this CD is so good. But that's not the case at all. Derek Webb has always been an amazing songwriter and he continues to have well-written, sometimes fun and sometimes serious songs that make me want to listen to the CD again months after I have gotten it. His voice has always been amazing, and continues to be so. Plus the CD has lots of piano, organ, and strings mixed in as well. All in all it is very creative.


4. Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light

Electable (Give it Up) may be my favorite song I've heard all year. It's definitely the catchiest and most fun. Chase This Light is similar in nature, being an all around fun, catchy, turn-it-up-real-loud-in-your-car type of album. I could listen to it at any time, no matter what mood I'm in. If I'm in a bad mood, I feel better. If I'm in a good mood, I continue to feel good and possibly even feel like dancing.

There's just no other way to put it. The songs are good. The vocals are good. Everything is GOOD. That's why this CD lands at number 4.


3. Jeremy Casella - Recovery

If I had a male vocalist of the year award to give out, Jeremy Casella would definitely get it. Recovery may be the most original album I've heard all year. Because the guy is a singer, songwriter; but no matter how hard I try I can't see how he performs these songs without a full band. The lyrics are beautifully well-written, as are the songs. The vocals are best of any album this year. But what really makes Recovery is how the songs are presented musically. A drum-roll on a tympani here, a single trumpet melody there, a snare drum build, and so much more. The background additions of a string section and brass section make the good moments of the album truly great. They don't necessarily stick out, and are not flashy at all. Most of the time the orchestra holds out a few long notes to go with the chords while the vocals or guitar (or both) play the melody on top. It seems small, but it really makes all the difference.


2. Caedmon's Call - Overdressed

Derek Webb is back! Honestly, how much better can this band get? Derek Webb is a great re-addition to the band for their latest album, but the main reason this one is so great is because of Andrew Osenga. He wrote most of the songs, and his influence can be seen all over the album.

I was surprised at how fast and upbeat the CD is. It seems to flow at a really good pace, especially the second half. Without question, every song is good. I could see them all being my favorite on the CD at any time. And the folk-rock feel is better than it has been in a long time.

This is the best Caedmon's album to date, which is really saying something. The creative juices are still flowing and it definitely shows on Overdressed.


1. Lovedrug - Everything Starts Where It Ends

Piano rock is very much alive in my life. But to call Lovedrug piano rock is to call Jesus a pretty nice guy. He is, but he's so much more than that.

This CD is weird, creative, emotional, and fun all at the same time. It takes you from slow songs to faster songs quickly, but the flow goes really well. I can't decide whether I like the first or second half of it better. There's just so much creative goodness in it that each song is an individual treat of its own.

It was hard to decide between the top 3 of the list, but what made this album rise to the top is the fact that it has several really good songs - and then it has several amazing songs. Too many of the songs on this CD blow me away and because of that I can't find any other place on this list than numero uno.

So... there you have it.

This is why I became a World of Warcraft player, Harry Potter reader, and Dragonforce fan all within the same month

Dragonforce may be one of my favorite bands. And I'm dead serious.

It has been an emotionally charged week, or at least more so than it usually is for me (which is not much at all). I left work today with a heavy heart. People are usually very predictable. Rarely does anyone do anything that shocks me. But there are some people in this world who are predictably unpredictable - the only thing that you can safely say about them is that they're probably going to say or do something crazy. You can be going about a normal day minding your own business and then these people show up and suddenly everything just goes crazy. This can be a good or bad thing. Today it was bad. Or maybe crazy is a better word.

Leaving work today - after having come across said "circumstance" - my head was going in circles, my heart was pounding, and my body was physically tired. For the drive home, musical choice was crucial because I needed an artist to bring me down - to help me sort things out. I had some really good choices from the soothing and melodic tunes of Jeremy Casella to the driving, emotionally charged songs of Thrice. But I passed them up. I skipped over my new Robbie Seay Band and David Crowder Band CDs as well, because I needed something deep. Caedmon's Call might have been a good choice, but I'm trying not to wear them out (which is hard because that CD is AWESOME). So as I thumbed through my repertoire of CDs you are probably jealous of because my taste is so good, I came across a very cliche looking CD case. It looks like a science fiction novel, but actually it's not. Don't let the lightning bolts, galloping horses, and scantily-clothed, sword-wielding vixen confuse you. This is a Dragonforce CD.

"Perfect," I thought to myself.

Five minutes later I was speeding down highway 79 and I was literally getting my tail kicked by the face-melting guitar solos and high-pitched vocals, not to mention the out-of-this-world drumming. And it gets better. What were they singing about? Well, what else than riding into battle on a cold winter night with swords and black fire blazing in the sky?

Yes, it is cheesy.

And yes, it is awesome.

Dragonforce is good for the world. I realized that tonight on the way home. I don't know how seriously they take themselves, singing about dragons and wizards and whatnot. I don't take them seriously but I love listening to their music. Why is that? Mostly I listen to serious, thoughtful, inspired (and GOOD) music. No "You and your hand tonight" or "I dug the key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel-drive." But music by people who actually think. Dragonforce is a step away from that and on a different level it speaks to me about life. It says this: stop taking everything so seriously.

For a long time I have felt like I have had to take on the world. And I mean that in a lot of ways. At one point I think I convinced myself to stop feeling good about my life because other people have it so bad. "That could be me," I used to think to myself. So I took on what I thought to be a humble role in sharing the burden of sorrow, but it didn't do any good. In doing so I never took the time to enjoy the good things about my life because I assumed it was going to get worse. It didn't help anyone, and it only made me sad.

Another thing I used to do was try to please everybody. Although I sincerely would have told you that I wasn't a people-pleaser then, now I would tell you that I was. My Christian faith had a lot to do with this too. I didn't necessarily want to please people because I wanted them to like me, but it was because I wanted them to like God. As a Christian, I have always felt like I had to sell myself as a good guy who cared a lot about people and tried to live a pretty upright life. And it's not that at times I can't be that, but the truth is it was a mask I put on to get people to like God. I thought that if I followed Jesus' teaching as well as I could and got people to like me because of that, then they would like God too and go to Him if they had not already.

The problem is that if someone I came across didn't show me respect or thought I was a loser then it just hurt really bad. That's obvious. But a lot of times instead of focusing on the people who accepted me and loved me for who I was, I focused on my negative qualities and what pushed people away from me. If I felt like I didn't have a good relationship with someone, it weighed on me a lot.

So I took a step back and I went on the offensive. I looked at a few key relationships I have had with people that weren't necessarily good ones. Sometimes it was my fault, but other times I found that it wasn't really my fault it all. I found that some people are hard on you, they focus on all your weaknesses, and they don't accept you no matter what you do. And the only way to please them is to be what they want you to be. If the right people are like that, then you will go on feeling like that for a long time. You may never get over it.

I don't know when it was, but over time I just finally said I'm done. I'm done feeling like I have to always measure up to other peoples' standards so they will accept me. If they don't accept me how I am then I don't need them. And if people are looking for the Bible in me then they might get a glimpse of it every now and then, but the real me is better than a righteous mask any day. It may not be pretty, but it is real.

Sometimes I need to take that step back and really stop taking everything seriously. Instead of listening to the super-serious Andy Osenga CD (Photographs), I need to pull out the Dragonforce CD and laugh at these way-too-serious metal heads who write songs about darkness, thunder, and sorcerers. Sure, I think it's cheesy. But it opens a world that I don't see most of the time - one where people actually cast their cares aside once in a while and just have a good time.

Divine Nobodies

Are you ever going through life and then just happen to stumble upon something that absolutely speaks to the circumstances you are going through? Me too. It happened a few weeks ago when I began reading Jim Palmer's Divine Nobodies. This is a story of a pastor who had graduated with a seminary degree and was on staff at one of America's largest megachurches - and then his wife left him. No longer able to serve as a pastor (divorce is, apparently, a cardinal sin for ministers), Palmer had to do jobs that would better suit a full-time college student. Through this tearing down and rebuilding of his faith, Palmer emerges with a more authentic, more relational faith.

I guess the main reason this book appealed to me so much is because I'm fed up with institutional church. Yes, you can add me to the list. I'm tired of Christianity being about Sunday and Wednesday programs, organizations designed to help people so I don't have to, and the typical "I'm dying inside but I'm going to smile anyways because I'm at church" attitude. I'm just sick of all that. There really is so much more to life with Christ than all that. I feel like for the first time my faith is actually enriching and enlightening rather than restrictive. And it takes place Monday through Saturday as well.

Covering topics ranging from depression to politics to authentic faith, this book is well worth the read and a unique perspective from a former go-through-the-motions pastor turned true and authentic believer.

Mississippi

Congratulations to the state of Mississippi which, for the third year in a row has been declared the most obese state in the U.S. Can we say dynasty? Almost one third of Mississippi residents are obese.

You have to be happy for the "Western Alabama Landfill" as they say, because it is the state that finds itself constantly at the bottom in categories such as education. This proves that no one is bad at everything, because everyone is good at something. And Mississippi is good at being fat.

Considering that the United States is easily the number one consumer of resources in the world, you could technically say that Mississippi is the fattest place in the world. In fact, the South is probably the fattest region in the world. Alabama ranked 3rd in this study, with 29.4% of its residents obese. If you don't believe me, just go to Alabama Adventure's (formerly Visionland) water park at any time during the day and look around. You never would have thought so, but it's true. Probably no one else in the world eats like we do. Or maybe they just exercise more. I don't know.

So here's to Mississippi because that state is 1) fat. 2) it has casinos. Congratulations!

Morning=Grace

Morning has an essence all its own. In my family's new house, the two windows in my room both face east - towards the sunrise. Regardless of whether my alarm goes off or not, I can generally tell if it is time to get up or not. A dim, misty purple color outside means that I still have time, I'm free to roll over and close my eyes again. When the sunlight starts making its way into my room, then I know it's time to get up and get ready for work.

I don't exactly know what it is about morning that really resonates with me. Last week, I had to get up early to go white-water rafting with the church. I got up at about 5 am, but I didn't have to leave until 6. After a quick bath, I fixed myself a mixture of milk and chocolate Carnation drink, and then I went out and sat on our porch - the one that faces east. For about a half hour I just sat there and watched the sky as the sun was about to climb up over the horizon. The sky started off as a light violet and grew into a deeper, darker purple-black as I lifted my eyes upward. I also noticed traces of mist that gathered in the low places, close to the woods.

This period of time, right before the sunrise, is one of the most beautiful times of day. I don't know what it is, but it speaks to me. It's so calm, so soothing, and if you just sit there you will find that no matter what, peace is not as far as you think it is. It's like God created this time of day for the sole purpose of saying, "Sit down, wait, and watch for what's about to happen."

And then the sunrise.

Is there a more hopeful and glorious thing to see in nature? The dark horizon suddenly erupts into a deep red-orange, and a yellow that gradually chases away the hazy purple. Suddenly, lights in houses start to come on and the people of the city begin to stir. Traffic becomes more dense and a world that was once serene suddenly becomes busy.

A couple of the saddest verses in the Bible are in Genesis 6: "The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart" (Genesis 6:5-6).

This verse comes right before the story of Noah and the flood, when God basically obliterates all of mankind except for Noah and his family. It's not necessarily a message that we hear too often, the fact that God actually regretted that he created humanity to the point where it grieved his own heart.

I wonder if God even pondered ending it all then. Or if he thought that maybe we weren't even worth it. God could have ended humanity and tried something else, or gone back to the way things were before we came along. He obviously created a perfectly beautiful world and said that it was "good". Did we get so evil that it was time to get out the eraser and start over? Are we just a page that should have been ripped out and thrown away a long time ago?

I find that answer by going out onto my porch and looking east at about 6 o' clock in the morning. The sun slowly begins its ascent into the day sky, as it did the day before and the day before that. It will probably do the same thing tomorrow.

To me, the sunrise is a sign of grace. It is a privilege for any man or woman to wake up in the morning and have the opportunity to breathe and live life. A person gets the opportunity to see the people they love and do things that they love to do. The most ordinary moment can be something really special. After all, God had the choice. He could have ended it a long time ago, but for some reason he decided that we were worth it. In spite of all our failures, in spite of the fact that we sin like it's an incurable disease, God made his mind up that we are worth all the heartache. Every new morning, every single repeated sunrise is a testament to that.

Tell God Your Story

I've had a hard time praying lately. I go through these phases from time to time. For a week or two all I want to do is pour out myself and tell God everything I can, rather than listen to what he has to say. Other times my prayers are very short, because I really just want to get in the word of God and see what He has to say. But lately I just haven't really felt like praying because I get tired of saying the same things over and over again, and a lot of times I get uninterested and pray out of habit or guilt. This makes my prayer time very boring and also very cliche.

I was thinking about this yesterday because I really want to get back to praying a lot, because prayer is so central to what I believe in and it is a big deal. I deal with a lot of frustrations when I pray, as do all Christians, but that's not necessarily what I want to talk about now.

I was listening to this guy (I think his name was Craig) the other day, and he was speaking on sin. He was encouraging people to start dealing with the sins in their lives. Because most all of us get to this point where we accept the sins that we have in our lives and don't deal with them, when really they are destroying us in so many ways and we don't even know it. It was a message I really needed to hear because a lot of my life lately has been characterized by the realization that I'm so filthy with sin. I am so messed up and I know it. It's discouraging because no matter how badly I want to do good, my heart is always drawn to evil and it's so easy to be led astray. It is so much easier to follow my own selfish desires than to act in a way that is counterintuitive to everything I am naturally. It's so hard to care about other people more than I care about myself or, when faced with temptation, to say "No, this is not God's way. I have to turn from this." And when I truly realized that every day I failed to do this, it completely deflated me, it completely discouraged me.

So I was listening to this lecture about sin and I started thinking about the things I have dealt with in my life, and I thought about how my sins just seem to go back for so many years. I've been confessing them to God for years and asking for help, but honestly I got tired of doing this because it seemed like no help came. The truth is, actually, that help was always there but I never truly wanted to begin dealing with sin. I wanted to hold it in my heart and keep it secret by dealing with it on my own. But God has shown me that I have to let it out, that people can't really trust themselves to turn from sin on their own - they have to be held accountable in community.

But what I'm writing about now is not sin, it's prayer. Thinking about the history of my sins brought up a thought that never occurred to me before.

Everyone has a story to tell. And I believe that they would hardly hesitate to tell it if they were really given the chance. One thing that I have been learning this year is that I have so much baggage in my life because of my story. Things have happened in the past, things are happening now, and after all I am a human. I have hopes, dreams, and fears. Sometimes I have a hard time sleeping at night, sometimes I worry, sometimes I laugh and am filled with immense joy, sometimes I wonder and long for something more: I am human. I have so much baggage that needs to be unpacked, so much that needs to be let out. I have a story, and I need to tell it.

Several months ago I got into a conversation with a person I know and he was telling me about his childhood and about how he had acne as a teenager and, because of that, he had really low self-confidence. The conversation we were having had nothing to do with any of that stuff that he mentioned, it was about something else entirely and yet several months later that's the only thing I remember. I was compelled by that because it was a window into his world, his story. Now he is a well-respected man, someone who is extremely confident and nothing resembling a shy, pimple-faced teenager. The conversation made me want to know the rest of his story. In fact, it made me want to know everybody's story. I mean, I would love to sit down with a person and just hear about his or her life - what happened in childhood, what happened as an adult, what are they proud of, ashamed of, etc. What is tragic? What is good? What makes them who they are today?

About a year ago I went white water rafting with some friends. Six of us were in the same boat and, on the way down the river, we had an accident. Our guide was knocked out of the boat while we were surfing a rapid and thus, we were thrown out as well. I was told that our raft flipped end over end and that it resembled the Titanic when it sunk. After we were all thrown out, we all floated in our own different paths down the river. Some of us were thrown through rapids, some of us bounced off of rocks, some went farther down the river than others: we all had a different story. We all survived, and so on the way home we stopped at Cracker Barrel to have a meal, and we spent that whole time with each person telling his or her story. I don't know about the others but I deeply wanted to share what I went through, how I felt, etc. I wanted to tell them EVERYTHING, and so I got out every single detail that I could.

I think that deep down this applies to everybody. No matter what we have done or been through, somehow we want to get it out. We all have things in our lives that we would love to just sit down with someone and share and make them understand how we feel. Not only can we share our stories with other people (which I think is extremely important to do), but we also have a heavenly father that we can go to. I realized yesterday that I'm so tired of telling God the same old shallow prayers and so I'm just going to go back to the beginning. I'm going to dig up all the old stories of all the baggage and situations in my life and just start telling God my story. He already knows it all, and could probably recite it back to me with much more clarity and detail, but that's okay. God wants to hear my story. He wants to hear your story. He is our heavenly father and he wants for us to go to him and let him father us and help us deal with all of the things that have happened in our lives.

Do you have a long drive somewhere tomorrow? Or do you have some extra free time? I encourage you to take it and bring up something that you and God can deal with. Tell God about how sin entangled you so many years ago and you desperately want to be free from it. Tell him about the best day of your life. Tell him about when you first met him. Tell him about your best friends, or your family. Did somebody hurt you in the past? Tell God how you feel, and be completely honest.

After all, when we come to God we enter into a relationship with him. And the best relationships are the ones where you can tell the other person anything, when you have nothing to hide. I think that if people begin giving God their past instead of just trying to forget, then they can start to heal and start to learn. God can teach us so much by just listening to us and speaking into our hearts. I am going to start letting him do that and I would recommend for anyone else to do it too.

Make it stop, please...

So I got home from church tonight and I sat down on the couch. I turned the TV to ESPNEWS to see what kind of interesting news the ticker is going to tell me about today. At the very bottom in the right hand corner, where ESPN tells us the important news, it says this:

“Barry Bonds in starting lineup tonight.”

Thank you, ESPN.

Isn’t Barry Bonds yesterday’s news? I mean I know he broke the greatest record in all sports and all, but that happened yesterday. The record is broken, why is the most important story in sports the fact that Barry Bonds will start tonight? Who cares? Why would anybody want to watch him if he already broke the record? What you’re probably going to see is Bonds swing for the fences every time, or get intentionally walked.

Great TV.

I was so relieved last night when I found out that Barry Bonds finally hit number 756. Finally, they’re not going to go out of their way to tell me that Bonds didn’t HR that game. Finally I don’t have to have my TV program cut into so I can see some pitcher walk Bonds intentionally. But no… it just won’t go away. Forgive me, ESPN, if I don’t crap my pants when Bonds comes up to bat.

How about this news story, ESPN: the San Francisco Giants suck and you couldn’t pay me to watch them. They’re last in their division, nowhere near the playoffs, and yet they get more media attention than anyone else. If they cared about winning, they would have traded Barry Bonds a long time ago. He doesn’t give a crap about his team, about winning the World Series; he draws all this ridiculous media attention; and he swings for the fences every at bat. Of course, he does bring in the money because of the vastly over hyped and controversial record he has been chasing. And since MLB is a business then I guess that’s important and all; but I’d rather my franchise be known for winning, not because the media reports every time my star player wipes his butt.

He broke the record. Great, let’s move on. Let’s talk about NFL training camp, or college football season. Last time I checked there were a few good division and wildcard races in MLB. You’ve got golf, NASCAR, NBA trades, Michael Vick, and the list goes on. Stop with Barry Bonds. Just let it end, please stop.

The Heart of a Dragon

The other day I was reading some lyrics from a Dragonforce song that really resonated with what I have been going through lately and so I wanted to post them here.

Heart Of The Dragon

Proud and so glorious standing before of us
Our swords will shine bright in the sky
When united we come to the land of the sun
With the heart of a dragon we ride

We are flying on wings in winter sky with fire burning deep inside
We are warriors of endless time forever and on
On wings of steel an ancient flight we see the powers that unite
The gods will now send us a sign of battle once more

Through the valley we ride full of glory we soar
Where the fights will be raging for now and for more
When united we come and divided they fall
Tonight you will witness it all

Proud and so glorious standing before of us
Our swords will shine bright in the sky
When united we come to the land of the sun
With the heart of a dragon we ride

A land unknown we come so far
We ride the night till morning star
When colours fade to black and white
Your eyes come to sight

With the vision of a great divide
You turn towards the other side
You think you run but you can't hide
The dead can not ride

Through the valley we ride full of glory we soar
Where the fights will be raging for now and for more
When united we come and divided they fall
Tonight you will witness it all

Proud and so glorious standing before of us
Our swords will shine bright in the sky
When united we come to the land of the sun
With the heart of a dragon we ride

Over high seas and mountains
We fly to the heavens on wings of a dragon tonight

Proud and so glorious standing before of us
Our swords will shine bright in the sky

Proud and so glorious standing before of us
Our swords will shine bright in the sky
When united we come to the land of the sun
With the heart of a dragon

The heart of a dragon
The heart of a dragon we ride

A problem that cannot be ignored

Ok so I'm going to go ahead and admit that the blog has kinda sucked lately. I don't know what it is but I have been feeling very uninspired lately, although I've been reading a lot and trying to put a lot of information in this head of mine.

Today I spent a lot of time reading a book called We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Our Families by Philip Gourevitch. It's a book about the 1994 genocide in Rwanda. I don't have a whole lot to write about it right now, but reading this book has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I could try to write a blog about the inhumanity of this genocide, or about how ashamed I am to be an American after reading about how our country responded to this; but I honestly don't know where to start. Hopefully, later this week I can sit down and try to come up with something.

But right now all I want to do is recommend something that I read today off of Andrew Osenga's blog. It's about a very important issue of oppression, poverty, and injustice that is going on in the world. I think everyone should read it, especially if you are a follower of Jesus. Here it is:

http://www.andrewosenga.com/blog/2007/07/16/the-dalit/

Reading about the genocide in Rwanda has instilled in me a strong desire to do whatever I can to help people like this. There are so many situations, so many emergencies, happening in the world right now at this moment, and something has to be done. HIV/AIDs in Africa, oppression in India, poverty, hunger, orphaned children, war, sex trades, etc. These are all critical problems going on in the world today that must not be ignored, especially by the church. As followers of Jesus we must do as he commands by loving our neighbors, putting others first, and dying to ourselves daily.

Moving

It's been about two weeks since we moved back in with my dad in his house up in the Fork. Honestly, it doesn't even feel like it has been that long. The real surprise is that I have adjusted fairly well, except for the fact that I now have to add 15 minutes and a few extra gallons of gas to everywhere I go that is not Blount County. Still I thought I would take it harder than this.

I am an extremely sentimental person. If not for my practicality and realization that possessions with no use are well, useless; then I would hold onto everything that I could attach to some special person or memory.

This is kind of an embarrassing story, but I will tell it anyways. My dog Fuzzy died a few years ago, right before I was about to start college. We had that dog for at least 10 years, almost the whole time we were living in our house in Pinson. He was always a part of the scenery, the experience of being at home. When I was a kid he slept in my bed with me, and at times he was the only member of my family that I really liked. Probably because he couldn't talk. When I got home everyday he always barked and ran around in circles like dogs always seem to do. He pooped and peed in the house all the time, and he would lower his head and try to hide when he knew he was in trouble. Those were the good old days.

Fuzzy got hit by a car on the night of my dad's birthday. It was in the month of August, after I had graduated from high school. We buried him that night and I remember feeling absolutely horrible and kind of lost at the same time. But it didn't hit me until the next morning. My dad told me to get some rocks and a load of this red bark-stuff we had in a big pile in our yard. I was supposed to take it and sort of decorate Fuzzy's grave. Early in the morning I went outside and did that. I don't know what it was, I guess I just finally had the time to think about it all. When I came back inside I just lost it and I cried more than I had cried in a long, long time. It was overwhelming, but it wasn't just because I so suddenly lost a dog that had always been there. The most overwhelming part about it was the fact that Fuzzy was like a symbol of my childhood, and as sad as I was about my departed dog, I was even more sad about my fading youth. That month I would leave most of my friends behind and begin a year at Samford. I would step out of all the boring but oh-so-sweet summer days and into reality. No more playing videogames all day or just walking around getting lost in the woods with friends. Now life seemed to be about paychecks and grade point averages, even though life is not really about that stuff at all. I never wanted to lose the happiness and carelessness of my youth.

So now, 3 years later I am leaving that same home (along with Fuzzy's grave in the back yard) and I'm not really having much of a problem with it at all. I was praying about it the first night I got here and I just realized that home isn't really about a place. If anything, home is more about the people you are around, the things that you believe in, and the stuff that you do. In fact, I don't think anyone could ever truly feel at home here. I believe my true home is in another place. A place where God is.

Today I finished Donald Miller's book Through Painted Deserts, which really is an amazing book. It's about him and his friend Paul as they decided to take a road trip from Houston, Texas, to the Grand Canyon, and then to Oregon. They lived in a Volkswagen hippie van, ate mostly beans and rice, and many times slept outside. One of the main points that Donald Miller makes in this book, one of the things he learns on this "pilgrimage" is that you don't really need all that stuff that the world is telling you you need. You can be content with nothing in the world but a bowl of cereal and a good sunset. I really believe that, too. You really don't need a nice car or house. You don't need the American dream. You don't need any of it.

As I live out the rest of my life I am going to make sure I really do get caught up in it, whatever may be ahead of me. I believe that we all are being told God's story. You can see it in the sky at night, you can read it in the newspaper, you can find it in friendship, you can see it all over the place. Suddenly relocating to a new house doesn't seem like such a big deal, because it's really not a big deal. Life is always going to change. We are always going to change, but that's perfectly fine. I'm fine with that. And I really do hope that as God continues to work in my life that He will make me into that person who seeks out sunsets and starlit skies, not just the latest videogames and movies.

Alabama Armpit

So it's pushing 100 degrees outside, it feels like an armpit, and of course our air conditioning went out today. I don't care, though. My goal is to not let affect me, since probably the majority of the world (including my friend Jeremy), is without central air anyways. This seems to happen every year, which leads to the question of the day: Is it impossible to permanently repair an air unit? Or are the a/c repairmen doing only enough to keep the air working for a while, so we will call them again when it breaks down and give them hundreds of dollars to get the air going again?

Doubting Thomas

I'm a worship leader. And as a worship leader I sometimes experience conflict playing this type of role. Because a worship leader is typically ultra-enthusiastic and emotional, which I am neither. Worship leaders are always supposed to be so close, so in tune with God. A lot of times I doubt God. As a person, I always try to be as honest as I can be. I really just don't have it in me to be fake or false. I just can't do it because it feels so wrong to me.

I experience conflict as a worship leader because a lot of times the songs just don't resonate with me. And I'm willing to bet that most worship songs don't resonate with a lot of people. Instead of singing songs like "Here I Am To Worship" where the chorus says:

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that you're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

I feel like sometimes it's more fitting for me to sing songs like Nickle Creek's "Doubting Thomas":

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me
Will I discover a soul cleansing love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Somtimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death I'll be he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
'Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
That I know nothing's safe
Oh me of little faith

Most of the time this is where I'm at, if I'm honest. I live in this sort of half-doubt world. I believe in God, but man I question all the time. I can't help it. I feel like if I just blindly accept faith without questioning it then I'm lying to myself. A lot of people do that. They accept everything they hear without questioning it or thinking about it. This is why some Christians believe that God hates homosexuals, helps those who helps themselves, and votes Republican.

And so now I'm questioning again. I can't be positive, I can't just believe that everything's okay. The main question I'm asking myself is "Where is God?"

I got up this morning and in the midst of my morning routine I thought about Satan for some reason. It was like something warned me to watch out for Satan today, to watch out for the things that he would speak into my mind and the things that he would try to get me to do.

As I was driving somewhere today I was thinking about that, I was thinking about Satan. A lot of times I have to really try to see evidence of God in this world, but I don't have to try very hard to see evidence of Satan. I don't even have to look very far, past my own heart. I look out at the world and at the situations in my world alone and it is so overwhelming, so discouraging to see how the devil's work is being carried out.

I have a relative who has had several problems with alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression. A couple years ago she lost her job and fell into a deep depression that almost cost her everything, even her own life. For the longest time my family prayed for her and tried to help her but it didn't really seem to be working. Still we kept praying. A few months ago our prayers were answered when she finally landed a good, permanent job. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I heard that and it seemed like finally all the crap, all the problems she was going through were (for the most part) in the past. But all the relief and hope was removed when I heard this past week that she failed a drug test, was fired from her job, and was being forced to move out of her house. Oh yeah, and she also hadn't been seen since Monday.

Obviously, this was a setback. All the hope and joy I found in the news of God pulling her out of her low circumstances was replaced with anger, discouragement, and doubt. "What happened God? I thought you were going to help her. Why didn't the help last? Why is she right back to square one?" I just can't find the answers anymore and I can't tell myself to "just have faith". It just doesn't seem to be working.

I see so many bad situations like this all too frequently. Last night, one of my sister's friends, an 18-year-old boy, was hit by a drunk driver. Now he is in the hospital in an induced coma. The doctors don't know if he's going to make it.

The other night at a baseball game I was talking to Andy about porn. I have no idea how we got on that subject, but we both agreed that it has reached the point to where you could consider it a crisis - and the church isn't doing very much about it at all. Andy told me he read a statistic that said 54% of pastors have problems with porn. That is a staggering statistic, and it's just plain sad. I wondered out loud how many of those pastors would admit it if they were caught.

Even in my own heart I have taken notice to how I am attracted like a magnet to sin. Satan tempts me with so many things and then when I give in he tells me how pathetic I am because I am always failing God. What I want to do is always the wrong thing, the wrong choice. It takes so much to do anything good, to do anything right. Why?

As I was driving I thought about this. Why do I see so much of the devil in this world and so little of God? I remembered that the devil is called the prince of this world, of this earthly kingdom. Jesus left almost 2000 years ago, ascending into heaven. "Why did he have to leave?" I thought. And I still wonder that. If Jesus was resurrected from the dead, then why did he leave? Why couldn't he stay here with us and help? He entrusted his work to us and it appears to me like we're failing.

Of course, after Jesus left he sent the Holy Spirit, who is invisible and is somehow living inside me achieving the will of God the Father. Jesus said the Spirit is like the wind blowing through the trees - you can't see it, but you can see the effect it has. You see leaves moving as the wind slips over and under.

I want Jesus to come back. I really do. I want to see my relative free from bad choices and I want to see my sister's friend healed and able to skateboard again. I want to stop having to feel like I'm failing God and those around me, even though I know better. I want the war in Iraq to be over, for violence and hatred to stop spreading like a disease around the globe. I want hungry children to be fed and for orphans to be parented.

I want Jesus to come back and finally make things how they are supposed to be. I want his love to be revealed, the veil lifted so that finally his love can shine on us like the sun coming out after an eternal storm. From now on I think I'm going to stop praying for God to let me have a good day and just pray that he would finally make the world what he intends it to be.

Hilldale Hezbullah

I wasn’t planning on going to rec night tonight. This evening I was on my way home after a very long day at work. I had just finished my 40th hour of the work week and was ready to go home, get a shower, and turn on my new season collection of House. But then I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize.

I don’t like answering my phone and I really don’t like surprises because for some reason I feel like someone is going to call and ask me to do something I don’t want to do, and I feel so bad when I tell them no. I answered it anyways and on the other end I heard this googly voice say, “Hey Matt!” It was my buddy Sam, who I haven’t seen since I left Hopewell. He wanted to go to rec night and see some of the refugees, but for some reason his mom wouldn’t let him go alone. I was so tired and exhausted from the everyday stresses of working at a thrift store. You know – picking stuff up, moving stuff, setting stuff down, etc. So I told Sam I wasn’t really planning on going.

But of course I knew that this was a valuable chance to hang out with an old friend while I hung out with the people of Hilldale. And I have to say I have always been fond of Sam and tonight I realized exactly why I like him so much – because he doesn’t try to be cool. I’ve noticed that most people (me included) have this need to always be cool. In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller talks about how for some reason society makes it look like being cool is the most important thing for all of us. Seriously, because we like to associate with certain people (athletes, celebrities, rock stars) because they are cool. Most of the time we don’t even know these people but we think they are awesome. It doesn’t really matter what kind of person they are or what they actually believe or anything.

From being around Sam, it seems like he never needs to be cool. He never needs to impress people and I think that is awesome, probably because I’m just the opposite. You see, Sam is a nerd and proud of it. He has a belt buckle that looks exactly like a Nintendo controller. He can talk to you about videogames for two hours and all you have to do is sit there and say “yeah” and “uh huh”. He used to impersonate Jigglypuff, but we won’t go there.

I don’t know if he just gave up on being cool, but he doesn’t try. And I respect that about Sam. He is who he is and there are not a lot of people I know like that.

So anyways I gave in and I decided to go to rec night. I expected to go there and shoot some basketball a little bit and just kind of hang out. But I got there and after about half an hour I found myself into a run-and-gun, all-offense-no-defense game of basketball that is going to have me sore in the morning. Josh and Lee were captains and I ended up on Lee’s team. We were terrible, and we got absolutely throttled. I figured having Lee on the team would be a weakness, but he actually was our leading scorer. He was unconscious from the three point line.

Speaking of Lee, he is quite a character too. When I first went to Hilldale, he was one of the first people I met and also one of the friendliest. He treated me almost like a brother from the very first day. Andy always talks about how, whenever Lee does anything, he goes all out. And he does. I have an image in my mind from last week’s camp of the worship services: All the kids up front standing close to the stage where the band was playing and Lee standing right in the middle with his hands raised up and his head bowed. Lee is a worshipper, and I love that. While I’m standing in the back with my arms crossed, trying to decided whether or not a like the band, or if the hand-raisers are really sincere; Lee is caught up worshipping Jesus in the Spirit.

Lee, however, is not much of a team captain. He is one of those guys who picks his friends rather than the good players. So instead of getting anybody good, he got guys like me. And so while they were throwing alley-oops and no-look passes, we were running around doing whatever we could to just score a basket or two.

Along with basketball, we got a chance to see some sweet skateboarding action from Jeff (a.k.a. Tony Hawk) and Justin (a.k.a. Bob Burnquist). Talking baseball with your friends while sipping on a Mountain Dew and watching these guys rip up the parking lot with their boards is a blessing in disguise.

After that I realized that ping-pong is awesome. Andy and I started imagining what we would call the Hilldale basketball team.

The Hilldale Humps

The Hilldale Hoopla

The Hilldale Haterz

The (ever-controversial) Hilldale Homophobes

We finally decided on…
The Hilldale Hezbullah

I thoroughly enjoyed rec night tonight. I’m so glad Sam called me and asked me to go because I know I was just going to go home and play X-box by myself.

I am becoming a person who strongly believes in community. I believe in loving people. I mean really loving people. Not the “put your church smile on” type of love, but the sacrificial, unconditional, “you are more important that I am” type of love. On any given moment tonight you could walk around and see community. You could start off in the gym where the guys were all playing basketball. Everybody had a great attitude too: nobody was fighting or arguing, and everyone got to play. It’s like, though we were playing basketball, there was an understanding that there was something more than winning a meaningless basketball game.

Walk outside the gym and you see people sitting over by the snack machines talking and watching arena football. Some guys are playing pool, air hockey, and ping-pong. Some other kids are running around getting a hide-and-seek game going.

Walk outside of the building and you will see the skateboarders (Tony and Bob) showing off their awesome tricks to some nearby onlookers. People are just standing around, talking – just hanging out. These people are there pretty much because it’s fun to be there in community. And if that means we are playing basketball or playing ping-pong or watching arena football or watching two guys skate, then it’s great. Because the reason we do those things is so we can be around people.

I watched the movie Orange County the other day. I used to love that movie but when I watched it recently I didn’t think it was quite as good. I guess because it was a little too “MTV” for me. Still, it’s a good movie that taught me something about life. It’s about this high school senior who wants to be a writer and go to Stanford; but because everybody in his life is crazy in one way or another, every chance he gets at going to Stanford gets messed up. His high school counselor mails in the wrong transcript, his brother burns a Stanford building down, and his girlfriend accidentally gets the dean of admissions high. In the end he learns that he doesn’t have to go to Stanford to be a writer. He has plenty of inspiration from the interesting characters that are in his hometown.

I like to think of my world that way, especially the people. I have some really cool and interesting people in my life. My family is interesting. My friends are interesting. I may not seem interesting on the surface but I can be if I really try. I’m starting to look at life in a way that I can be inspired, entertained and moved by the people, the “characters”, in my world. People like Sam and Lee. If you look hard enough then you can really find a lot of heart and inspiration in people, in their stories.

I think about my mom and about how she had to deal with her own father’s suicide when she was a teenager. My mom is the nicest, most loving and giving person I know – and I’m not just saying that because she is my mom.

I think about Andy who had to go through a really, really bad situation when he lost his job at Hopewell. Things like that can be very damaging to your faith, but I’ve been able to see Andy move on to bigger and better things. Now I’m convinced that Andy is working on building a youth ministry that I believe in and want to be a part of, mainly because I know God is using Andy to love teenagers.

I think about my friends Jeremy and Keith who have been some of my best friends since middle school. We can go months without talking, decide to get together for bowling one day, and it’s like we never missed a step. Lately we have been getting together on weekends to do nothing other than hang out, eat pizza, and play Madden football. And I love it.

I think about how a year ago my sister and I probably could not have been farther apart; when I felt like all I could do was pray for her. The other day, when we were on our trip everybody was telling us how they couldn’t believe how close we are now and how we said such nice things about each other. I couldn’t do anything but look at the ground because I was trying (and failing) not to burst into tears. It’s true, she is my best friend, and perhaps my biggest testament to the fact that God answers prayer.

Life is an amazing story and God is just now showing me that everything, whether good or bad, is important because it points to the overall story of God. We all have conflict in our lives, characters, a setting, etc. We are living out the story of God. Pierce Pettis has a line in a song that says “Everything matters if anything matters at all.” Amen to that. Now, instead of looking at my life as a hopeless, tragic soup of random meaningless events; I am looking at my life as story full of hope and wonder. I am throwing out skepticism, pessimism, and bitterness. I am taking up faith, hope, and love. And it makes all the difference, it really does.

Deeper Waters

For the past few days (other than today and yesterday) I have been at the beach with the church youth group. Monday we all packed into two vans and headed off to the soft, sandy beaches of Florida and to the Holocaust-like living accomodations we so fittingly called "Shawshank". For five days I woke up in the morning to my friends and fell asleep talking to them at night. In the daytime we played games, hung out, and learned about the book of Nehemiah. At night we, um... did the same thing.

I took a lot from this trip, there were some truly memorable moments - both comical and spiritual - and if I had time I would write about everything I experienced during the last week. But I don't, so right now I really just want to focus on one of the many things I personally got out of the trip.

I believe it was Thursday when I walked down to the beach with Macie, Stephanie, and Andy. It was one of the three times I actually made it down the whole week. I always love going to the beach, even if I don't swim in the ocean. I usually just like to walk down there, get my feet a little wet from the waves coming in, and just look around. I love looking at the ocean because it's so big and colorful. It's always moving too - always changing. On a clear day the sky comes down to meet the ocean at the horizon and there's no telling how far you can see.

So we were standing down on the edge of the Gulf of Mexico, just walking around. Stephanie was drawing Chinese symbols and anime in the sand. Being the ever observant and thoughtful person I like to think I am, I reached an epiphone about my own spiritual life. I get the image of a mouse running around a maze until it finally finds cheese, except in my head like in the cartoons.

I didn't get in the ocean that day, but I thought about the times that I did. The second-most frightening thing to me about swimming in the ocean is the undertow. The first is jellyfish because they sting and they're well, weird looking. The undertow is frightening to me because one time I went out too far and the undertow started to pull me away from the shore out into the deep water. I'm scared to death of deep water and so it was all I could do to keep from panicking. I was swimming as hard as I could to get back but it seemed like I wasn't getting any closer to the shore at all. I had to swim with everything I had to make it back into safe waters.

As I was thinking about that, at the same time I started to think about my spiritual life, my relationship with Jesus. It seems like lately my spiritual life has plateued. It's just not going anywhere right now, even though I am learning and experiencing lots of things. My commitment has been kind of low and I have sort of given up trying to do any more than I'm doing right now. It wasn't a concious thought, but I sort of had the attitude that I couldn't go farther or experience more. I had done all I could do. I even have this attitude where I seem to think I have basically experienced everything in life and that there's nothing out there that can lift me up or take me deeper. Obviously, this is a lie that I believed. I even got this idea in my head that I really didn't need to spend time with God every day. It's amazing how relentless and cunning Satan is at deceiving and misleading us. I honestly don't think we give him enough credit.

I see myself as someone who has waded out into the water and has reached that point, the one where I say "Okay, this is as far as I'm going to go. If I go and farther then it might get dangerous." And so I just sit there in the water, let the waves go over my head for a while, and just look around at the ocean of life that is moving around me. But last Thursday when I was standing on the beach I felt like God was inviting me to come into deeper waters, deeper waters that are not safe.

When God calls someone to follow Him, he stresses that you need to be very committed. Jesus requires you to love him, to be more devoted to him than anything else in your life: your possessions, your circumstances, even your friends and family. And it seems to me that God doesn't hide the fact that it's dangerous because, let's face it, it is. There is a possibility that you might be swept away by the undertow. This year, so many times I have been saying no to God because I'm so afraid that I'll be swept away. I'm so afraid I'll get hurt or that I'll try something and it won't work out or that I'll end up doing it half-hearted and fail. I have been wading in shallow waters, staying in places where it's safe. But God is calling me now to take my relationship with Jesus into deeper, more dangerous waters.

So now that I'm back here in my house in my hometown, I'm trying to take the steps that will make my life more intertwined with the Spirit of God. I just want to know Him. I want to be there when He speaks and I want to feel Him when He inhales and exhales. The solution to everything in life is God. It's not 5 steps, a simple plan, or a formula. It's a true relationship with God. I knew that this whole time, but I was deceived.

It may be a long time before I get to go and experience God and people like I did last week - to wake up and have breakfast with people I love every day. And so I have to hold myself accountable and seek God, not like I used to; but even harder and more desperately.

The NBA Finals: Spurs vs. Cavaliers

So tonight is the beginning of the NBA finals, which is something that is both exciting and sad because I love the NBA so much. It's been a good year with lots of excitement, etc.

This years finals will put the San Antonio Spurs against the Cleveland Cavaliers. I personally hate the Spurs, but it's a respectful hate. Deep down I really do like the Spurs because they are such a solid team. They are always there at the end and it just takes so much to put them away. I think Gregg Popovich (sp?) is quite possible the best coach in the league and the Spurs' have the most well put together team in the league. They play great defence but are also very good and versatile on offence. Of course there is the "Big 3": Manu Ginobili (MANU!!!!), Tim Duncan (who is well, Tim Duncan), and Tony Parker (who is annoying). Either way, the Spurs are a very good and solid team all the way around. I have to say, though, they are fortunate to be this far. The Suns should have had them if not for an absolute load of garbage, unfair rule that the NBA decided to enforce and ruin the best series of the playoffs. But I will rant about that at the end.

The Cavaliers actually have impressed me this postseason. I didn't expect them to get this far and I have to admit that Lebron James has definitely been amazing at all the right times in the last few games. Even though his age is no higher than his jersey number (23), he is the main reason the Cavs are where they are right now. I still have my doubts about Cleveland, whether they play physical enough and if their role players (everyone but Lebron) will step up. I will go ahead and say that the Spurs will shut down Lebron and make the rest of the team beat them. They are way too smart of a team to let one superstar go ape crazy on them in the NBA Finals.

I've got the Spurs winning in 5.

The Spurs can go ahead and claim the title of dynasty. The Cavs are good and they've been impressive thus far in the postseason - you can't deny what they did to the Pistons. Still, the Spurs know how to win. They have been here several times before. I think that the leadership, talent, and experience of the Spurs will be too much for Cleveland. Spurs in 5.

Now, for what I was saying earlier, the Suns got screwed. I could not be more upset at how that series ended between the Suns and Spurs. It was a great series - and it was headed towards being a classic - until Robert Horry pulls a thug move and body checks Steve Nash into the scorers' table. As a result, Robert Horry gets suspended for 2 games. The problem is that two of Phoenix's starters (Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw) took a couple of steps onto the court after this happened - and both got suspended for one game.

So what you have here is Phoenix getting punished for something that a Spurs player started - a bench player at that.

I know that it's an NBA rule that must be enforced, but when it comes down to it that was just unfair. I think the Suns (whose starters had to play extra minutes in the next game) didn't win another game in the series. Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudamire committed a very human and understandable action. Robert Horry shoved Steve Nash down and they took a few steps on the court to take up for their 2-time (should have been 3-time) MVP. They didn't even do anything, and eventually moved back after the coaches instantly restrained them. Still, for taking a few steps, the Suns were left without two of their five starters for the next game - a game the Phoenix led at half time but eventually lost most likely due to the fact that their players were exhausted from playing extra minutes. The Spurs were left without one backup player.

I guess they don't call him "Big Shot" Bob for no reason.

Either way, this was the Suns year. And I hate to see it blown because of a petty NBA rule. I was disgusted with how the series played out. You watch sports because you want to see the games won out on the court (or field, or rink, or whatever). I hate to see something like that happen in any series, much less this one. It was a great one, too. It could have been a classic. Oh well, hopefully the Suns can continue their brilliant play and come back next year, although Steve Nash isn't getting any younger.

Until then I guess we have to see the Spurs pound the Cavs for a few games, and then we're left with baseball and NASCAR.

it's good to have friends

I just want to write that it's really good to have friends. It is. And since I write so much negative stuff I just want to put this quick message out. We all (most of the refugees) got to talk after church tonight for about an hour. I guess that's what happens when you get us all together and somebody mentions Hopewell; but it was a really good conversation we had. I walked away feeling really good and happy, not angry and spiteful. Overall we talked about Jesus and how much these past few months have taught us about following Him. I believe more and more I am understanding the true gospel of Jesus. Like when I'm at work or even at home I just hate getting all the "messages" the world is sending me and I hate all the negative thoughts that come into my mind sometimes.

To be honest, I didn't really feel like going to church tonight. But I'm so glad I went because the message Andy gave, the simple message that God loves me, really meant so much. It was refreshing like a cool drink of water. I'm also glad because the kids sang real loud and I felt like we were all a group worshipping God rather than I was the guy trying to get everybody to worship. There was something familial about it - there was something good about it.

If you guys read this (you know who you are), I just want you to know you mean more than I can say. Any type of conversation, whether just a goofy one or a real heart to heart, means more to me than even I realize. I take it forgranted. I'm glad that, though we lost many people; we didn't fall apart. And because there are people in my life who care about me, things have been much easier than they could have been. I love you guys.

Faith, hope, and love;

-Matt

Hurricane Katrina

This is way out of date, but that blog yesterday reminded me of something that people said a lot last year after hurricane Katrina. I heard from several Christians, and it was (and probably still is) a common belief among them that hurricane Katrina was a result of God's judgement. People believe that New Orleans was such a wicked city that God went "Sodom and Gomorrah" on it and punished them for their sins.

I'm writing this because I disagree with that.

In the weeks after hurricane Katrina, I talked with friends a few times about that. At the time I didn't really have much of an opinion on it. I just said who am I to limit God and say that he wouldn't do such a thing. In the Old Testament he most certainly did destroy cities and punish people for their sins, you can't deny that. I think a lot of Southern Baptists like the God of the Old Testament because he punished people a lot. And Southern Baptists like that.

It seems like more people considered Katrina a God-sent judgement rather than the 9/11 terrorist attacks. I mean, there were those who thought the attacks were punishment from God; but most reasonable Christians knew that this was just a result of the evil in this world. I guess that since people can't conjure up hurricanes and aim them at cities is the reason why people believe God sent a hurricane into New Orleans.

I won't say I would believe the same thing, but I know it would be a whole lot easier if it weren't for one thing: Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins.

Death and judgement were all in store for us but Jesus took our places. He recieved the punishment for our sins, he paid the price and so now there is no reason for God to judge us or condemn sinners anymore. The only condemnation is for those who reject Christ. But those who accept Christ, no matter what kind of sinner they are; they are saved from a life and death apart from God.

So when people are going around believing that God is out sending natural disasters on wicked cities then I am reminded that in my heart I am a sinner just like the most wicked person of New Orleans. God could just as well kill me and destroy my hometown. I look at that situation and I don't see an angry God who is wrathfully killing people He created; but rather I see a loving God who says "I don't care what you've done. I love you and I will take the punishment for you just so you can be with me."

I think hurricane Katrina was a huge disaster - kind of like a car accident or a fatal illness but on a much larger scale. You know what happened? Some people built a city next to the ocean, below sea level, and a giant storm came and ravaged it. That's what happened. It had nothing to do with their sins or what kind of people they were. It was not a divine judgement or the wrath of God. It was poverty, war, hunger, disease, disaster. It was one of the many things wrong with this world. And I believe that God was not up on a cloud frowning down upon the poor city of New Orleans, but rather he was in the hearts of all the believers who helped out: the people who sent money, housed the homeless, went there and helped themselves, etc. I think God was using us to reach out to a group of people who were hurting.

We Christians really need to stop being so quick to deal out judgement and just try to do whatever we can to help.

Teeter-tottering

Lately I find myself not wanting to make decisions, especially important ones. I like easy decisions like "What do I want to eat today?" or "Which movie should I rent at Blockbuster?" I can do that all day. It's just when my mind starts asking questions like "What I'm I going to do with my life?" that I start to loathe every coming afterthought. It's not that I don't care, because I care about this probably more than anything else right now. The problem is that this afternoon I am going to be sure I want to do one thing and then tonight or tomorrow I will have already decided that I want to do something else. Quite frankly, I'm getting kinda tired of that.



Ever since leaving both Hopewell and UAB I have been teeter-tottering on a decision to go into the ministry. I have really wanted to go to college and study religion (which is a really bad word for it, but that's what I guess I'll use), but I have caught a few snags along the way and I'm just not sure that pastoring or youth pastoring or being a missionary or something else is something I want to commit everything to just yet.



One of my main concerns with this, and an issue that is really hurting my faith in God, is that it seems to me like way too many Christian ministers are making the Christian faith look subjective. And what I mean by that is that we have the Bible, which is God's truth, but people have so many different ways of looking at it. You could go to 5 different pastors with a question about the Bible and they might tell you 5 different answers. I am extremely uncomfortable with that.



I'm not necessarily asking for uniformity in the church where everybody does the same thing all the time but I would at least like to see more consistency. I mean we are the body of Christ and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be working in all of us to achieve the will of the Father. But I have to confess I am as frustrated as I have ever been with the church because I look at a lot of the things we are saying and doing, and we are just not getting it.



When I have been forced to listen to WDJC at work, I have noticed that they always advertise themselves as Alabama's #1 Christian music station. And I'm thinking, "Oh that's great, our 'Christian' music stations are competing with each other." (Of course, if you think about it, why would they want to say they are the #1 Christian music station? Nobody in Birmingham cares that they are listening to the #1 Christian music station; that's not why they listen to the radio. But you know who does care? Advertisers. So in proclaiming themselves the #1 Christian music station in Alabama, WDJC is really just trying to attract more advertisers so they can make more money. But that's a whole other blog.)



I just think it's strange for a Christian institution to say something like that. I mean what if I said I was the #1 Christian in Jefferson County? What if my church said that we were the #1 church in Birmingham? Wouldn't that be kind of strange since we are all a collective body with one head, Jesus Christ?



But I hear stuff like that and I think about things like when Jerry Falwell blamed the 9/11 attacks on homosexuals, feminists, and abortionists; I see evidence in my own hometown of Christians who seem to be missing Jesus' main points - they don't love anyone and they don't want to. In fact, a lot of Chistians are pretenders who wear a veil of righteousness over their faces and they say things like "Well I'm certainly not perfect," which I don't consider a confession of being a sinner but rather a humble seasoning over a proud attitude. But I'm learning more every day that I have it in me to be a murderer, a rapist, a thief, and many other horrible things. We all do. And anyone who acts like they're not is just a pretender wearing a veil of false righteousness. If we ever think we are anything good it's because of Jesus, not us. He IS our righteousness.



I guess this is sort of an overflow of all the frustration that has been in me this year. Honestly, I know some Christians who are good, genuine people and they don't try to be anything they're not. I'm really blessed and fortunate to know those people, and I hope that in the future I get to meet many more. I'm just fed up with fakes. I try really hard not to get frustrated with God because of Christians, because I know that people are far from perfect. But I keep thinking about this: if you see kids at the grocery store running around making a mess and going crazy, what do you think of their parents? In the same way, if we as Christians are doing all the dumb stuff we do, what are people going to think about God?



Anyways, as far as going into the ministry, I just don't know about studying it in school. I feel I would be better off studying something more sure, something that we know we know, something that is tested. For instance, when a biologist teaches you about the parts of a cell, you are learning proven knowledge about a cell. There is no speculation or debate because we know that a cell has a nucleus and various other organelles. When you study the idea of Original Sin then you are really just speculating on what you think it means. In the past year I have had several fundamental beliefs and interpretations of the Bible turned upside down. I used to think they meant one thing but now I think they mean something else.



I'm not saying that a lot of Christians out there aren't right about the Bible because I believe they are and I'm very satisfied with the group I'm in now because I feel they are pretty solid. But there are so many Christians who make up these ideas that they say are Biblical and are not. Some that come to mind are name it and claim it, God helps those who help themselves, and interacial marriage is a sin. Christians believe this stuff and pastors teach them to believe that stuff. The truth is that it's garbage and God's people are being led astray. Take the whole "Prayer of Jabez" thing. Some guy dug up some prayer from the outskirts of the Old Testament and said that if you pray this prayer then God will do this and that for you and blah, blah, blah... Now that guy is probably laughing all the way to the bank because millions of Christians bought into it.



So anyways, it's probably too late now to keep this blog from being too long. I'm going to stop anyways, but these are some various frustrations with the church lately. I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling with faith right now. Please pray for me, and maybe God will start to clear some things up.

The Media Monster

Twice today I listened to a one hour long lecture by Donald Miller, one of my favorite authors. Every time I hear or read something he has to say it really opens up my mind on how I should be looking at the Gospel of Jesus. It frees up my perspective and today was no different. My sister and I went driving around in a rental car that our mom got for the weekend (because that’s what you do when you get a rental car), and we spent almost half the time just listening to this lecture. It was called “Free Market Jesus” about how in America we tend to present the gospel as a sales pitch or an advertisement.

So anyways, listening to this got my mind going and it was important because I think that we all as people need to open our eyes to what the free market economy is doing to us. Because most people are unaware of it and they have no idea that day after day these thoughts, ideas, and standards are put into our heads. I mean, think about it, commercial advertising is all around us. Drive down the road, turn on the TV, read a magazine, surf the internet, or listen to the radio and every time you do there will be someone there to sell you something. Sometimes I get so fed up because everywhere I go there is some person who is beautiful and is assumed to have some kind of great life because of a certain product, and now that person wants to sell that product to me as if I can’t live without it.

And that’s sort of what I’m driving at here, that these advertisers make us feel like we have all these needs that we really don’t have. It’s obvious that if you want to have a product to sell then a sure way is to make people know that they need it. That’s one reason gas can be more than three dollars a gallon and people still buy it, because we have a high need for gasoline. Most of the time we have all these products that people don’t necessarily need but the companies are trying as hard as they can to sell them anyways. So what you get is an advertisement that tries to generate a need in your life, and that in some small way you will feel like your life is incomplete without this product.

“You need to lose weight.”

”You need to drive a nice car.”

“You need the most expensive clothes.”

You need, you need, you need…

You may be trying to think of specific ads that actually say you need something, but a lot of times they are indirectly saying it. Like a Playstation 3 commercial doesn’t come on and say “Your life will only be good if you have a new PS3.” It just doesn’t do that. But when a PS3 commercial does come on TV, it shows the new games and how cool the graphics are and it seriously looks like the most fun activity I could ever do. And when the commercial is over I am probably going to think “Man, if only I had one of those.” So now, that commercial has generated a need that wasn’t there before. The idea is that Sony is hoping I will act on that need and go out and buy a PS3.

Weight loss commercials can be a little more direct. The whole message watered down goes a little like this: “You’re fat. People will like you better if you aren’t so fat. Lose weight with this product (don’t be fat) and you can finally live a fulfilled life.” And so now you are generating an idea that people can only be desirable if they are beautiful, and that they can achieve that through your product. They always have these testimonials by people who supposedly tried the product, it worked, and it completely changed their lives. So if I’m a fat guy, I may think “Hey, that guy on that commercial was fat like me, but now he is absolutely ripped, confident, and the ladies love him.” With these oh-so-subtle ideas presented, mass media creates a standard that says you need to be beautiful, you need to be whole, you need to be wealthy, you need to get what you want or else you are incomplete.

It may seem like I’m exaggerating a little bit, because one commercial can’t make anybody feel like his or her life is incomplete. However, we hear these things constantly every day. Wherever we go someone is telling us to buy their product to meet a specific need in our lives. I think about how people in America always want more, whether it’s a new car or a new outfit or a new cell phone. We always have that nagging desire to accumulate stuff for absolutely no reason at all. I work at a thrift store and I just don’t understand how some people can come in our store day after day and buy all this used crap to put in their homes. I mean, first of all, the stuff isn’t that good. And second, if you go in there every day to shop for used stuff, how much useless junk do you have in your house? How many knick-knacks do you need until your living room looks fine and you are satisfied with it?

If we are receiving thousands of messages a day that are all trying to tell us that our lives can improve if we just buy their product, then doesn’t that have some kind of effect on us as people? Wouldn’t that affect our attitudes? I was thinking what if suddenly all of the mass media noise just stopped for good. What if we stopped having to listen to commercials? What if we could go through a day, a month, or a year without having people tell us what we want and need? I wonder if things would change.

Because I believe that all these advertisements contribute to the idea that we don’t have enough and that our lives are not very fulfilling at all. I mean, I know I have enough needs in my life and I don’t need commercials telling me that I have more. And I most certainly don’t need media to present a standard that I am going to subconsciously try to live up to all the time. One of my favorite lines by one of my favorite artists, Andrew Osenga, is this:

“The serpent spoke and the world believed its venom
Now we’re ten to a room or compared to magazines.”

And that line really speaks to me because it depicts our condition as humanity, whether you live in a vastly overpopulated place (like Japan) or a place where you have to live up to an impossible standard (America). It’s a hard thing to deal with, because if you are told a lie enough times then you will believe it. We are not okay to begin with, the last thing we need is a giant media monster to pour salt on that wound.

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

At the end of the church service tonight we sang the hymn “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus” for the invitation. This is a hymn that I have sung hundreds of times and my only real opinion of it has been how it tends to be so simple and repetitive.

“I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back.”

But tonight the song held new meaning because today, following Jesus holds new meaning to me than it did a few months ago.

Towards the beginning of my high school years I made the decision to follow Christ. I was raised in the church and I hated going for the longest time because it made no sense to me and I had no friends, and it seemed like as a kid my time was better spent sitting at home playing N64. But when I got older and I started using my brain I began to think about God and about how Jesus died for me. I started to believe it and then I realized that if I believe God and the Bible, then maybe I should start acting like it. I began to understand that my actions and my words should reflect what I believe, and so it was then that I started my journey of following Jesus.

And the following years after that were definitely the best of my life. I got involved in my church and I started reading the Bible. I remember I went out with my mom and she bought me a big, blue study Bible and immediately I jumped right in, eager to learn more about God. I started making friendships that would last (or so I thought). I went on trips, stayed up all night at lock-ins, and enjoyed what I guess is your typical teenage-youth group life. Deciding to follow Jesus was the best thing to ever happen to me.

But of course, life sometimes has its high points and it also has its low points. Lately, circumstances have not been all that good. I’ve been asking myself, “What can I learn from all this?” because the only thing salvageable from these circumstances is perseverance. I have been through sleepless nights, doctor visits, uncomfortable phone calls, loneliness, and a constant re-questioning of my own motives and abilities. Things have been hard and to make myself happy, I have been recalling the “old days” like some kind of retired old man sitting on the front porch just to pass the time. I’m 21; I don’t want to live like that, at least not yet.

My most common response to everything that happened was to just look at all the circumstances in shock and ask, “How did this happen? How did things turn out this way? How did I end up at the very bottom?” More specifically, I would ask “God, why did you let all this happen? What is the purpose of all this?” The thing I pray for the most is for God to do His will in my life. And many times I don’t pray for specific things. I always let God know what I think I need and want, but I know that God knows best and so I try to leave it up to Him. So I’m trying to live my life and take whatever circumstances come, but ultimately I depend on God for everything. When I need strength I look to God, when I need wisdom I look to God, when I need rest I look to God. And so as I was sitting there in the rubble of broken relationships, a church that proved to be not much of a church at all, a disaster of a semester at school, and not to mention other major problems. I questioned that decision I made years ago because I wondered why God would lead me there to such a lonely and desperate place.

The comforting thing I learned, however, was that lots of times following Jesus led people to lonely and desperate places.

“I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back”

Imagine if Paul were singing those words. If you want to talk about a man who went through it all for Jesus, it was Paul. He is one of my favorite characters of the Bible because he literally lived to tell people the gospel of Jesus no matter what the consequence. Paul was a Pharisee, a teacher of the law who persecuted Christians until one day when he was on the road to Damascus and Jesus appeared to him. After he saw Jesus, Paul made the decision to begin following him. Years after making that decision, Paul wrote about his experiences in a letter to one of the churches:

“Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?”

Many times Paul was put into desperate situations. Many of his letters in the Bible were written while he was in prison. The book of Acts includes accounts of circumstances when he was beaten or flogged. In fact, when that book ends, Paul is still under guard in Rome because the Jews wanted him dead. It seems like a more popular ending to that book would be “Paul finally got some property in a nice suburb in Jerusalem where he settled down with his wife and had some kids. He retired at a nice old age and lived happily ever after playing golf on the weekends.”

But when I look at the people who followed Jesus, I’m hard pressed to find a happy ending (at least from an earthly standpoint). I’m reminded of the disciples, 12 unlikely men who Jesus told to follow him. These men spent three years traveling with Jesus while he preached and performed miracles. They spent all their time with him and even saw him after he rose from the dead. These 12 men were closer to Jesus than anyone else who has lived.

So what happened to these men who spent those years with God in the flesh? Did Peter ever get that Escalade he always wanted? Did Matthew finally get to be a professional athlete? Did Thomas ever get to marry the girl of his dreams?

It really makes you think, because a lot of times we make it out to look like if you become a Christian, all that will happen to you.

No, all of those guys died because they followed Jesus. They were martyrs. Peter was crucified upside down, and the others faced similar persecutions. All of the disciples who spent all that time with Jesus died because of him, except for John the Revelator, who was exiled and then died. Also, there was Judas who betrayed Jesus and then killed himself.

So I imagine all those disciples before they died, whether they were in chains or behind bars:

“I have decided to follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning back”

What did those words mean to them?

What do those words mean to me and you?

I’m not trying to compare my problems to those of Paul and the disciples. Those guys were far more courageous and strong than I will ever be. I’m just saying that I’ve learned that Christians are not necessarily called to a life of comfort. I’m not saying that if you have money or if all your dreams come true then you are wrong, but that sometimes following Jesus requires giving up all those things. Sometimes following Jesus means you have to lose. Often times it means that. Whether that means your job, your possessions, your friends, or your even your own life; Jesus is worthy of it. After all, Jesus didn’t live a life full of comfort. His death was a brutal and humiliating one: he was crucified as a criminal, naked. And why did he live that way? Because he loved you and me.

Jesus said, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy or me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” –Matthew 10:37-39

So tonight when we were singing that song about our decisions to follow Jesus, I couldn’t help but feel a little reluctance where I once felt reassurance. The decision to follow Christ is a dangerous one that should not be taken lightly. Look what it did to the people in the Bible. Still, we know that many things aren’t as they appear and what looks like suffering now will one day be turned into character and perseverance. And the amazing thing is that even if we come to the point of death we don’t have to be afraid, because the one we are dying for has already been there and conquered it.