Doubting Thomas

I'm a worship leader. And as a worship leader I sometimes experience conflict playing this type of role. Because a worship leader is typically ultra-enthusiastic and emotional, which I am neither. Worship leaders are always supposed to be so close, so in tune with God. A lot of times I doubt God. As a person, I always try to be as honest as I can be. I really just don't have it in me to be fake or false. I just can't do it because it feels so wrong to me.

I experience conflict as a worship leader because a lot of times the songs just don't resonate with me. And I'm willing to bet that most worship songs don't resonate with a lot of people. Instead of singing songs like "Here I Am To Worship" where the chorus says:

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that you're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

I feel like sometimes it's more fitting for me to sing songs like Nickle Creek's "Doubting Thomas":

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me
Will I discover a soul cleansing love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Somtimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death I'll be he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
'Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
That I know nothing's safe
Oh me of little faith

Most of the time this is where I'm at, if I'm honest. I live in this sort of half-doubt world. I believe in God, but man I question all the time. I can't help it. I feel like if I just blindly accept faith without questioning it then I'm lying to myself. A lot of people do that. They accept everything they hear without questioning it or thinking about it. This is why some Christians believe that God hates homosexuals, helps those who helps themselves, and votes Republican.

And so now I'm questioning again. I can't be positive, I can't just believe that everything's okay. The main question I'm asking myself is "Where is God?"

I got up this morning and in the midst of my morning routine I thought about Satan for some reason. It was like something warned me to watch out for Satan today, to watch out for the things that he would speak into my mind and the things that he would try to get me to do.

As I was driving somewhere today I was thinking about that, I was thinking about Satan. A lot of times I have to really try to see evidence of God in this world, but I don't have to try very hard to see evidence of Satan. I don't even have to look very far, past my own heart. I look out at the world and at the situations in my world alone and it is so overwhelming, so discouraging to see how the devil's work is being carried out.

I have a relative who has had several problems with alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression. A couple years ago she lost her job and fell into a deep depression that almost cost her everything, even her own life. For the longest time my family prayed for her and tried to help her but it didn't really seem to be working. Still we kept praying. A few months ago our prayers were answered when she finally landed a good, permanent job. I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I heard that and it seemed like finally all the crap, all the problems she was going through were (for the most part) in the past. But all the relief and hope was removed when I heard this past week that she failed a drug test, was fired from her job, and was being forced to move out of her house. Oh yeah, and she also hadn't been seen since Monday.

Obviously, this was a setback. All the hope and joy I found in the news of God pulling her out of her low circumstances was replaced with anger, discouragement, and doubt. "What happened God? I thought you were going to help her. Why didn't the help last? Why is she right back to square one?" I just can't find the answers anymore and I can't tell myself to "just have faith". It just doesn't seem to be working.

I see so many bad situations like this all too frequently. Last night, one of my sister's friends, an 18-year-old boy, was hit by a drunk driver. Now he is in the hospital in an induced coma. The doctors don't know if he's going to make it.

The other night at a baseball game I was talking to Andy about porn. I have no idea how we got on that subject, but we both agreed that it has reached the point to where you could consider it a crisis - and the church isn't doing very much about it at all. Andy told me he read a statistic that said 54% of pastors have problems with porn. That is a staggering statistic, and it's just plain sad. I wondered out loud how many of those pastors would admit it if they were caught.

Even in my own heart I have taken notice to how I am attracted like a magnet to sin. Satan tempts me with so many things and then when I give in he tells me how pathetic I am because I am always failing God. What I want to do is always the wrong thing, the wrong choice. It takes so much to do anything good, to do anything right. Why?

As I was driving I thought about this. Why do I see so much of the devil in this world and so little of God? I remembered that the devil is called the prince of this world, of this earthly kingdom. Jesus left almost 2000 years ago, ascending into heaven. "Why did he have to leave?" I thought. And I still wonder that. If Jesus was resurrected from the dead, then why did he leave? Why couldn't he stay here with us and help? He entrusted his work to us and it appears to me like we're failing.

Of course, after Jesus left he sent the Holy Spirit, who is invisible and is somehow living inside me achieving the will of God the Father. Jesus said the Spirit is like the wind blowing through the trees - you can't see it, but you can see the effect it has. You see leaves moving as the wind slips over and under.

I want Jesus to come back. I really do. I want to see my relative free from bad choices and I want to see my sister's friend healed and able to skateboard again. I want to stop having to feel like I'm failing God and those around me, even though I know better. I want the war in Iraq to be over, for violence and hatred to stop spreading like a disease around the globe. I want hungry children to be fed and for orphans to be parented.

I want Jesus to come back and finally make things how they are supposed to be. I want his love to be revealed, the veil lifted so that finally his love can shine on us like the sun coming out after an eternal storm. From now on I think I'm going to stop praying for God to let me have a good day and just pray that he would finally make the world what he intends it to be.