Teeter-tottering

Lately I find myself not wanting to make decisions, especially important ones. I like easy decisions like "What do I want to eat today?" or "Which movie should I rent at Blockbuster?" I can do that all day. It's just when my mind starts asking questions like "What I'm I going to do with my life?" that I start to loathe every coming afterthought. It's not that I don't care, because I care about this probably more than anything else right now. The problem is that this afternoon I am going to be sure I want to do one thing and then tonight or tomorrow I will have already decided that I want to do something else. Quite frankly, I'm getting kinda tired of that.



Ever since leaving both Hopewell and UAB I have been teeter-tottering on a decision to go into the ministry. I have really wanted to go to college and study religion (which is a really bad word for it, but that's what I guess I'll use), but I have caught a few snags along the way and I'm just not sure that pastoring or youth pastoring or being a missionary or something else is something I want to commit everything to just yet.



One of my main concerns with this, and an issue that is really hurting my faith in God, is that it seems to me like way too many Christian ministers are making the Christian faith look subjective. And what I mean by that is that we have the Bible, which is God's truth, but people have so many different ways of looking at it. You could go to 5 different pastors with a question about the Bible and they might tell you 5 different answers. I am extremely uncomfortable with that.



I'm not necessarily asking for uniformity in the church where everybody does the same thing all the time but I would at least like to see more consistency. I mean we are the body of Christ and the Holy Spirit is supposed to be working in all of us to achieve the will of the Father. But I have to confess I am as frustrated as I have ever been with the church because I look at a lot of the things we are saying and doing, and we are just not getting it.



When I have been forced to listen to WDJC at work, I have noticed that they always advertise themselves as Alabama's #1 Christian music station. And I'm thinking, "Oh that's great, our 'Christian' music stations are competing with each other." (Of course, if you think about it, why would they want to say they are the #1 Christian music station? Nobody in Birmingham cares that they are listening to the #1 Christian music station; that's not why they listen to the radio. But you know who does care? Advertisers. So in proclaiming themselves the #1 Christian music station in Alabama, WDJC is really just trying to attract more advertisers so they can make more money. But that's a whole other blog.)



I just think it's strange for a Christian institution to say something like that. I mean what if I said I was the #1 Christian in Jefferson County? What if my church said that we were the #1 church in Birmingham? Wouldn't that be kind of strange since we are all a collective body with one head, Jesus Christ?



But I hear stuff like that and I think about things like when Jerry Falwell blamed the 9/11 attacks on homosexuals, feminists, and abortionists; I see evidence in my own hometown of Christians who seem to be missing Jesus' main points - they don't love anyone and they don't want to. In fact, a lot of Chistians are pretenders who wear a veil of righteousness over their faces and they say things like "Well I'm certainly not perfect," which I don't consider a confession of being a sinner but rather a humble seasoning over a proud attitude. But I'm learning more every day that I have it in me to be a murderer, a rapist, a thief, and many other horrible things. We all do. And anyone who acts like they're not is just a pretender wearing a veil of false righteousness. If we ever think we are anything good it's because of Jesus, not us. He IS our righteousness.



I guess this is sort of an overflow of all the frustration that has been in me this year. Honestly, I know some Christians who are good, genuine people and they don't try to be anything they're not. I'm really blessed and fortunate to know those people, and I hope that in the future I get to meet many more. I'm just fed up with fakes. I try really hard not to get frustrated with God because of Christians, because I know that people are far from perfect. But I keep thinking about this: if you see kids at the grocery store running around making a mess and going crazy, what do you think of their parents? In the same way, if we as Christians are doing all the dumb stuff we do, what are people going to think about God?



Anyways, as far as going into the ministry, I just don't know about studying it in school. I feel I would be better off studying something more sure, something that we know we know, something that is tested. For instance, when a biologist teaches you about the parts of a cell, you are learning proven knowledge about a cell. There is no speculation or debate because we know that a cell has a nucleus and various other organelles. When you study the idea of Original Sin then you are really just speculating on what you think it means. In the past year I have had several fundamental beliefs and interpretations of the Bible turned upside down. I used to think they meant one thing but now I think they mean something else.



I'm not saying that a lot of Christians out there aren't right about the Bible because I believe they are and I'm very satisfied with the group I'm in now because I feel they are pretty solid. But there are so many Christians who make up these ideas that they say are Biblical and are not. Some that come to mind are name it and claim it, God helps those who help themselves, and interacial marriage is a sin. Christians believe this stuff and pastors teach them to believe that stuff. The truth is that it's garbage and God's people are being led astray. Take the whole "Prayer of Jabez" thing. Some guy dug up some prayer from the outskirts of the Old Testament and said that if you pray this prayer then God will do this and that for you and blah, blah, blah... Now that guy is probably laughing all the way to the bank because millions of Christians bought into it.



So anyways, it's probably too late now to keep this blog from being too long. I'm going to stop anyways, but these are some various frustrations with the church lately. I'm not going to lie, I'm struggling with faith right now. Please pray for me, and maybe God will start to clear some things up.