Dumb Male Enhancement Commercials

So last night I was eating a pizza in front of my TV. It was a Tombstone, pepperoni pizza and I overcooked it a little bit. Lacking the patience to wait for it to cool off, I burned my mouth on the sauce and cheese, and today my tongue still hurts because of that. I don't remember what I was watching on TV, but it was during the commercial break and I was basically ignoring the ads like I always do. A Cialis commercial came on, and I ignored it, but one phrase snapped me back into reality quickly and, I will say, almost produced extreme projectile vomiting.

They were advertising some new Cialis pill that you could take for your "male enhancement" and the announcer asked a question that I thought was rhetorical, but unfortunately it wasn't: What's your favorite part? Next thing I know, some old couple pops up on the screen and the woman says, "My favorite part is when it lasts really long."

I almost spit the pizza out of my mouth. The last thing I want to know about while I'm enjoying my dinner is some old lady's favorite part of her and her old husband's old "activities" together. I hate those commercials, even more than I hate just regular commercials. And there are some things about them that I don't get. The Cialis ad comes on with the porn music and all, but what's with the bathtubs? Maybe my education about "the act" has failed me in some way, but what does an old man and woman sitting in separate bathtubs, outside, on a hill, while the sun is going down have to do with sex? Is that a metaphor for something? It would have to be, right? Because nobody ever says, "Now, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they take off their clothes and go outside to their separate bathtubs that sit on the top of the hill in their back yard, which overlooks a meadow..." (If any of you know the answer to this, please enlighten me.)

And there are the commercials with that weirdo guy, I think Bob is his name. I guess those are supposed to be funny or something. Like Bob's neighbors are jealous of him because he takes a "male enhancement" drug and there is the most memorable shot of the guy standing there holding his water hose as it starts to slump and the water runs out. That along with other innuendos are in commercials like this. Bob is dressed up as Santa Clause at the mall and all the women there want to sit on his lap. And of course, there's the one where Bob is driving the race car, but I don't really get that one either.

My favorite (and by favorite, I mean quite possibly the most ridiculous) of these ads would probably be the Viva Viagra commercials. Because there's nothing better than getting together with your best friends in your old garage and singings songs about the pill that lets you have sex longer. I mean, I know that's what I do when I hang out with my friends... doesn't everybody? In fact, the only songs I know on guitar are worship and praise songs, and songs about Viagra. (I hope you are picking up the sarcasm here.) And don't get me started on the side effects...

I just hate these commercials, they're so stupid. Even with all the lame phone dating service ads and ones about downloading ringtones, the Cash-4-Gold commercials, and the Tag body spray, I would say that the male enhancement ads are the worst. Next time I'm eating pizza or any other meal, I hope I don't learn more than I want to know about an old couple's sex life. I don't care, don't want to find out, so please get it off my TV.

A Conversation

Quick... interesting or unique thought or observation...

Go... now.

Ok, um...

um....

um... I don't know. I got nothin'.

Come on, Matt, you have to have something you want to say.

Not really...

Just think about something that happened today and elaborate on it. You know, be thoughtful and all that stuff.

Well, I did go to the dump today.

Ok... did anything happen that would make a good lesson or... maybe something interesting... or something that will generate some comments?

Nope, although it did smell like coffee beans mixed with diarrhea. Maybe I could make that a metaphor for how the money for some people's coffee addictions could go to preventing African kids from dying from diarrhea.

I don't know... is that really even a metaphor?

I don't know.

Well, don't you have anything to say?

Can I complain about Christian radio?

Don't you already do that enough already?

Well, can I write about Barack Obama?

Look, why don't you try to take it in a different direction... you know, write about sports or your life, or Jon and Kate Plus 8?

I don't like writing about sports, I like talking about sports. My life isn't interesting, and here's my blog post about Jon and Kate Plus 8: Who effing cares?

(sigh)

Look, can I just post that YouTube video of Ashlee Simpson getting booed at the Orange Bowl or something?

Matt, that's lazy and you know it.

I don't care, voice.

You're a douchebag.

Shut up, I'm going to play Halo now.

I just found this article which gives accounts of some soldiers who landed on the beaches of Normandy on D-Day. I thought I'd share it, because it really moved me. Not only the bravery of the men who stormed the beaches that day, but the horrors that they experienced and how they had to stop thinking just to keep it from getting to them. When nations wage war, these men and women bear the brunt of it, and I think we have to do whatever we can to avoid good people having to give up their lives if at all possible. Anyways, here's the link:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/06/03/dday.stories/index.html

This is the world I see

I was talking to somebody I know the other day and he was telling me about how he had been reading through the Old Testament, specifically the book of Daniel. "Man, there's some scary stuff in there," he said. I agreed. The prophetic book has all kinds of strange imagery that can evoke fear. But this conversation has stayed with me because of what this guy said next, which is something along the lines of what I've heard preachers say for years now - that if God doesn't judge America soon, he is going to have to apologize to the people of Sodom and Gomorrah.

Of course, that's not in Daniel. It's in Genesis, but the Old Testament gives accounts of God judging the world and punishing people for wickedness. There was the flood. There was Sodom and Gomorrah. There was all the tribes who inhabited the promised land that the Israelites were promised. All of these people faced God's wrath, and so what of America, whose people are committing some of the same sins today and yet we haven't been invaded or led off into slavery? We haven't been destroyed with a flood or fire raining from heaven.

While I personally don't believe God regards the United States in the same way as Israel in the Old Testament, my issue here is not really a theological one, but a question of perspective. It's about believing whether or not our nation and the world we live in are getting worse and worse, more sinful, and more corrupt each day. Of course, certain end times theology that includes the rapture and destruction of the world as we know it (which I believe has been debunked by N.T. Wright) has contributed to this outlook as well. People are going to become more corrupt. They are going to turn away from God and practice more and more evil. It's supposed to happen this way...

But I wonder that even though things are extremely far from ideal, is it really true that we are getting worse? I mean, the present may not be all that great, but what makes anybody think that America's past is so much better than its present? At the countries founding, we had stolen land from the Native Americans. We forced them off of their land, fought wars against them, and killed them in the name of God when we were motivated by nothing more than greed and selfishness. We also imported human beings from Africa who had been literally ripped from their lives, homes, and loved ones. We shipped them across the Atlantic Ocean on ships in the worst of conditions, bought and sold them as property, and forced them to work for nothing. And then there was the fact that at our nation's founding, you had to be a white, property owning male to vote.

It seems to me that while lots of things in this world aren't great, we are at least in many ways making progress. You would think that if God was going to punish us, it would be for the things we did to blacks, Indians, and others. The fact that we might allow gay people to get married has got nothing on that. For those that long for the "good old days," when everything seemed to be nicer, simpler, and more Christian; remember that these weren't necessarily the good old days for everybody. Is there a black man or woman who would look back to the 1950s as a better time? I think not.

But, I assure you this: If tomorrow there is a loud trumpet blast and we Christians are zapped up into the air to meet Jesus in the clouds, or if some other nation invades and hauls us off into slavery, or if a terrible natural disaster (global warming? That would be ironic...) were to wipe us off the map, I promise that I will eat crow.

Trading Your Soul for Security

Love your enemies, unless they withhold vital information from you.

That is how it goes, right?

You would think so, with the way that the torture debates have been going over the last several weeks. President Obama released the torture memos detailing the various methods that were used on each prisoner: Waterboarding, sleep deprivation, varying forms of physical abuse. Subsequently, all backlash hell broke loose when conservatives were quick to criticize the president’s action. Now, on television, radio, the internet, and in coffee shops and Jack’s restaurants, people are asking the question: Should we torture?

Torture.

Just roll the word around in your head for a second.

Torture.

What kind of images, feelings, and impulses does it conjure up?

Torture.

A necessary evil? According to many, yes it is.

While we don’t want to torture, we must do so in circumstances when lives and our national security are at stake.

Ok, I understand that torture is something that we don’t want to do. I understand the “what if” scenarios that so many conservatives bring up when debating this question. What if a nuclear weapon is going to detonate on American soil and we have detainees that can give us information to stop it? What if we can use torture to save lives? I understand that people believe that in order to stop terrorists we must be willing to do some of the things that they do, to “break the rules” a little bit in a Jack Bauer sort of way. But what I don’t understand is the stance that many evangelical Christians take to not only defend the use of torture, but the action of advocating for it.

On the Christian radio the other day (I can hear some of you moaning “oh God, not again” at this point), I caught a piece of a segment in which a DJ from one of Crawford Broadcasting’s conservative talk radio stations was on and was criticizing Obama for his decision to release the torture memos to the public. Ronnie Bruce, the daytime radio host, simply agreed and stated that we are living in “scary” times and that Christians should be praying now more than ever. Indeed, things are getting a little scary.

But the scary part is not that we have a president who is willing to make the ethical stand against torture. The scary part is that we have Christian radio personalities, pastors, political leaders, and public figures who are going on the airwaves and in pulpits and advocating for it.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9

You see, when I think of some of the great religious heroes throughout history, is isn’t those who believed in resolving conflict by means of violence and torture. It has been people who advocated love and peace. For instance, Mother Teresa, who gave her life to the act of loving, living with, and caring for the world’s poor and diseased. Or Ghandi, who championed peace and nonviolence in India. Or the great Martin Luther King Jr., who stood up for equality in the form passive resistance.

In this sense, I find it kind of strange that many of those who claim to follow the Prince of Peace are the very ones saying we should use torture to interrogate terrorists. The religious conservatives who claim to hold the moral high ground in American are often the ones defending the use of torture. But what is moral about this? What is ethical about strapping a human being, made in the image of God, to a chair and pouring water up his nose until he almost drowns? Even if you think it’s necessary, do you really think it’s right?

Do not repay evil for evil. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17 and 21

As a person who believes in Jesus’ teachings, I can’t support that. The position against torture is easily the high ground, no matter what kind of “what if” scenarios they come up with. True ethics don’t go out the window just because a situation changes, because our security is being threatened. In these kinds of circumstances, it is more important to cling to our morals and values than ever.

I think that the church, as a community of faith, should look at itself and reexamine this issue. Shouldn’t we, as believers in the God who is the great force for good in this world, be the ones taking the moral high ground in these cases? Should we really be the ones who are criticizing the leaders who decide to do away with torture, or should we rejoice at the fact? Is it really worth it to trade away our souls for our security?

Maybe we should just ask the great question:

What would Jesus do?

Or how about a better question:

Who would Jesus torture?

30 Hour Famine 2009

So what are you eating for your last meal? That is, if you are doing the 30 Hour Famine, what are you eating? I personally am glad that the last meal will consist with the most important meal of the day (and my favorite), breakfast. But for your last meal, you have to make it count. This is going to be what sustains you for the next 30 hours. You don't want to make the mistake of putting a hot pocket or a Pop-tart or anything from Taco Bell inside of you. You want something that is--oh what's the word... nourishing. If I had the time, I would be at Cracker Barrel tomorrow morning gobbling down a Mama's Pancake Breakfast, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with plan B which consists of sausage biscuits, eggs, and grits at Ken's BBQ.

I can't believe it has already been an entire year since last time we did this. I have been anticipating it for a few weeks now and it's hard to believe that it's already here. Last year I remember asking myself if we could do the famine in a 1 Corinthians 13 sort of way. In other words, couldwe fast, raise money, worship and pray, and everything else with real and authentic love? Could we do this without sounding like just a clanging cymbal? Because I have never shed a tear for a starving African child. Though sad, it doesn't really grab me because it's the world we live in and I mistakenly assume that it has always been that way and it always will be.

Sitting in this luxury box that is America, it's easy to give in to apathy. It's easy to keep our "headphones on", to not listen to the stories of those who are suffering, to eat and drink and laugh without the slightest notion that the world is groaning with pain. We hear statistics all the time that are alarming. 26 million kids die each day from hunger or hunger-related illness. On and on and on, the staggering statistics. It seems like such a painful burden, one that we don't want to take.

I think that I might know one way that can help us from becoming clanging cymbals. Sure, it's easy to look at the problem and judge that it's too big and do nothing, but that's only an excuse. In my opinion, a great way to prevent apathy from setting in is to put a face with those numbers.

On the Monday after the famine this year I will be giving my last speech of the semester. The goal is to try to get the audience to either do something or stop doing something. It worked out really great because, without knowing that the famine was this weekend, I planned at the beginning of the semester to do this specific speech on aiding a child who is lacking food, education, and healthcare. Today I went to the library to work on that speech. I found a table in an empty spot of the room and set down my bag. After I had pulled out my notebook and a pen, I finally grabbed from one of the pockets a small picture of a young, African boy.

Kashala Mujinga is his name. He lives in the Congo and is 6-years-old. His parents work on a farm as regular laborers, and he has 4 sisters and 1 brother. His favorite hobby is, in his own words, "playing the football." I got this picture right before Christmas of last year, and I cannot describe to you how it felt to see this kid who is receiving food, education, and healthcare because one night at a WorldVision event, I made the commitment to send money to fund all of these necessities. It was unbelievable.

As I opened my notebook to jot down some ideas and plan my speech, I set Kashala's picture to the side where I could see it. Every now and then I would stop, pick it up, and just look at it for a minute or two. I wonder what he's doing right now, I would think. I wonder how his parents felt when they found out that their little boy had a sponsor. Of all the speeches I've done this semester, this one is different. It's a labor of love. It affects real people and real lives... it saves lives. It's personal.

Which takes me back to the cymbals. Whereas last year, apathy was a concern of mine, I know that this year it's not. I haven't even thought about it. Why? Because instead of hearing numbers and statistics, I've got a face to go with them. Instead of thinking, If I don't do something, some African kids are going to die; it's more like If I don't do something, Kashala will die. It's a real kid who goes to school, plays football, does chores, and just regular things that people do.

After over a year of supporting Kashala, praying for him, and sending and receiving things such as Christmas and Easter cards, I am all the more pumped up for this famine. Because yeah, it's going to suck when I've been at work for 8 hours and haven't had anything to eat. It's going to be just as bad trying to go to sleep on an empty stomach. But you know what? Because we're doing this famine, that's a feeling that several kids aren't going to have to experience. Because of our church doing God's work, kids aren't going to waste away because they can't fill their stomachs.

Finally, I just want to say that if anybody hasn't considered aiding a child in need, maybe you should look into it. It costs about 30 to 40 dollars a month (which is how much I spend on my X-box Live and Gamefly subscriptions). It's a great way to put a face with the many numbers and statistics that are out there and it's a great way of taking care of people who truly need it. I couldn't recommend it more. Give it a try, save a life.

See you guys at the famine.

There and Back Again

Mark this day down on your calendar. Circle it, put a star around it, and highlight it with blue, pink, and yellow. Get out your planner and make a note about today. Make sure that you never forget that today is the day that I got my acceptance letter to the University of Alabama in Huntsville...

...for the second time.

I guess it doesn't really have as much of a punch the second time around. I've had a year to strengthen my resolve, discover my ambition to go um... somewhere, and test the academic waters to make sure I'm not the same slacker I was a few years ago. The truth is last year I wasn't ready to make the transition from working a full time to job to quitting, moving away, and taking on a full load at university. But now I think--no I'm sure--that I am. I'm 23 for crying out loud! I'm ready for anything!

Of course an acceptance letter doesn't mean that much to me at the moment. I'm really happy but I was expecting it. It felt good to tear open the envelope, read the letter, and let my mind fill with hope for what the future may hold. But it doesn't mean a thing unless the money comes through. That's what messed up everything last year.

It has to come through this time. If not I think I'm going to have to do some serious rearranging with my life because it's been the same old, same old for so long and I can't take it much longer. A lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm an adult and still living with my parents, working the same hometown job I've been working for over 3 years, and wandering around in an academic maze that has seemingly gone nowhere for almost 5 years.

In my entire being I am anticipating a change. I think this is more than just in my head or something that I have to do in order to grow up. It feels like the entire rhythm of my life is pushing me to go on. It's like I've become so restless being stuck in the same places for so long. I need to finally get that feeling that a person gets when they go to their boss and say, "Only two more weeks for me." I need to be able to see Locust Fork, Pinson, and Center Point in the rear view mirror and have that nostalgic feeling in my chest as I drive away knowing that I will return but things just won't be the same. I need to finally be able to say so long, dad. I need to find a church that is interested in providing ministries and activities for people my age, not just those who are older or younger than I am. And I need a place where I can invite friends to come over and just hang out, watch a ballgame or play some X-box. I don't have that luxury here.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to be away from all the amazing people in my life. I love my friends and family and because of those special people, it is going to make leaving that much harder. I have no intentions of ever breaking contact with any of my friends in my life. What I'm talking about is just the fact that I have to make a life for myself and that's going to take some sort of journey, a story that requires that things must change even if only for a little while.

Because a guy can only load furniture into cars for so long until he says I can't take it anymore, I was made to do more than this. A guy can only eat his mama's cooking for so long until he is embarrassed that he can't make anything more than a cheese sandwich or frozen pizza. People in general don't like walls. We don't like cages. We have to get out, stretch our legs, and sometimes run as hard and as fast as we can just for the sake of doing it. We have to, because we are people, and that's what we are supposed to do.

And so I am praying that the money comes. I am praying that my future lies somewhere... else. Because here isn't bad, but for a stagnant 23-year-old, it just doesn't hold the same glamor as there.