Not knowing nothing about anything

Over a year ago when I decided to take some time off from college, I made up my mind that even though I would be out of school, I wasn't going to stop learning. I needed to find out what I was interested in, what kind of things I liked, and what I felt like I was able to do. Of course I didn't go to the library and check out all of the career books on the shelves. Instead I read books that somehow captured my interest, from Harry Potter to Steinbeck novels to books about God - and several others as well. On the bookshelf to my right is a book written by an agnostic journalist about the Christian belief in the end of the world. This book is also stacked right next to a book about ninjas called "REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book". The subtext on the cover of the book says this:

"Hi, this book is all about ninjas, REAL NINJAS. This book is awesome. My name is Robert and I can't stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet."

A few books down from that is a book called "Prayer" by Philip Yancey, who is definitely among my favorite of Christian authors. On the other side of this shelf sits my collection of Donald Miller books, maybe my favorites of all. And next to these books are my three Bibles.

It's not just books either. My favorite channel on television is the History channel, and usually in the rare moments when I actually sit down to watch TV, this is what I watch. I also have a few podcasts I subscribe to that basically help me learn about certain things while I'm on the go. To keep up with current events, I read the paper every day. My favorite section is the editorials, because it's fun when locals say ridiculous things publicly. And it's even more fun when other locals respond over the next few days... publicly.

I don't consider myself a particularly smart human being at all. I was in the "gifted" class as a child, but barely. When I was in 5th grade my teacher got me to take the "gifted" test and I failed it. Somehow the same teacher persuaded the people in charge of the "gifted" program to let me take the test again, so I did and passed it the second time. To this day I don't understand what difference it made in my life. I got to leave class every now and then, but what I remember the most is how my peers made fun of me and called the R.L.C. program I was in "Retarded Little Children." Being gifted is good and all, but like I say it didn't make much of a difference to me. I still made mediocre grades. I got a 24 on my ACT in high school, which is good but not great. And I can still remember the D, near F in pre-cal, that almost kept me from graduating my senior year.

I say this because I want to point out that I'm a very average guy who is trying to make sense of life. If I'm going to have any kind of knowledge about anything, I'm going to have to earn it. So this past year I have simply tried to observe and take in any sort of experience and knowledge like some sort of red-headed sponge.

The thing about learning is that once you know something, you can't un-know it. You can't really take it back. Once you learn something like the fact that your country was established by killing and forcing native Americans off their land, or the fact that REAL ninjas fight ALL THE TIME, or the fact that it takes the light from the stars millions of years to reach the earth, you have to do something with that understanding. It becomes hard to ignore. And unless you have some sort of concussion or brain-altering accident, then it's impossible to un-know. And what happens then?

Well, it changes you. It may not change the fundamental characteristics of who you are, but it alters how you look at things, how you say things, and how you act in certain situations. Roughly a year after I walked away from UAB, Hopewell Baptist Church, my old house, old friends, and a few other things in my life, I am still Matt Benton. But I'm not that Matt Benton anymore. I'm just not the same guy anymore. Why? Because since then I read a book, had a conversation, went on a trip, heard a song, read a blog, heard a sermon, watched a TV show, read something in the Bible, heard a story, wrote a blog, had another conversation, and experienced a certain thing on a certain day. From this random soup of experience and observation I have shaped myself. And that shape is different from what it was in January of 2007.

But sometimes it seems to me like the more I know, the more I realize how much I don't know. Answers are highly overrated, because when you find an answer to a question, a lot of times you will find a whole host of new questions for you to ask. And the process just continues again.

Tonight I don't think I know anything at all. I have my way of looking at things, and there are people out there who think that what I believe is absolute rubbish. A lot of times I look at other things that other people believe and I think they couldn't possibly be true either. Putting your faith in one thing and then discovering that there are a lot of people out there who are completely against what you put your faith in is a frightening thing. It makes you wonder if anyone is really right and anyone is really wrong, or are we just separate groups with opposite opinions?

When this happens I guess it's important to let what you've learned settle in, be humble, trust your own judgment, and then move on the next day. Dive right back in to the mess of contradicting knowledge and ideas. Somehow these things are going to be sorted out, and I might as well play a role in it. Truth may be a very elusive thing to find, but I don't suppose a little more knowledge would hurt.