BITR: Richard Simmons (and why he is more of a man than Chuck Norris)

Somewhere along the time-line of human history a man came along and established the parameters for "being a man". I have no idea who this man was, where he was from, or what he liked to do with his free time. He was apparently a man of mystery, and very wise. The only thing he contributed to humanity was his unfathomable depths of knowledge in "being a real man". Before this individual came along we never knew that to be a real man you had to chop down trees and leave the toilet seat up. Men wouldn't even think to laugh when somebody farted. If not for this brave, courageous, and masculine human being we would still stop our trucks on the side of the road when we didn't close the door all the way, instead of opening and slamming them mid-drive.

But with these parameters this man set up, he also created a unique stereotype. Times changed, and as the people began to accept these parameters for being a man, they also became biased against those who were different. A shadow crept over the hearts and minds of good-natured people, and they became paranoid. Paranoia turned into fear, fear turned into hatred, and hatred turned into murder. Afraid little boys would stay inside their houses, lay down on the couch, and watch Spike TV while drinking beer. Numerous injuries occurred because boys as young as 6 years old were trying to shave facial hair they never had.

Things turned worse, and before you knew it the stock market had crashed. This wasn't the only problem. Global warming was melting the polar ice caps and sea levels were rising. Hurricanes and tsunamis were battering the coasts of countries all over the world, and earthquakes were ravaging inland. People started to panic, and along with panic came riots and looting. People became their own worst enemy, and before long people began to wonder if anyone would save them from their petty stereotype.

Occasionally a great man comes along that yanks us out of our own prejudices. Someone will look at the world and the people in it, and say "this isn't right." Martin Luther formed the Protestant church because he saw that they were taking advantage of an illiterate people. Martin Luther King Jr. stood up against racism and led his people to a more equal world. These two men are remembered for being revolutionary, tearing down the walls of oppression. Like these two men, there has come a person who has torn down the walls and shown us all what a REAL man looks like:



Richard Simmons has never round-house kicked anybody. He never "laid the smackdown". He never had his own action TV-show. And thank God no one ever decided to make a billion repitive jokes about how tough he is. You know why that is? Because Richard Simmon doesn't need to do any of that stuff to prove how big of a man he is. Look at his afro, and look at his chest hair and tell me that guy is not a man. You would have to be crazy.

If you're stupid you probably don't know this, but it's a known fact that Richard Simmons was born wearing a tank top and ultra-short exercise shorts. And he went on to be a legend. What has he contributed to humanity? Perhaps the most important thing that we Americans need: fitness. America is the most obese country in the whole world. We eat and get fat like nobody's business. Because of this, terrorist groups like al-Qaida call us infidels and want us to die. This should not be. Richard Simmons has contributed years to making exercise videos that teach you not only how to lose weight, but to be confident and believe in yourself.

Think about it. You're an obese, overweight loser whose life is going down the drain. You don't believe in yourself. But you know what? Richard Simmons does, and because of that, you can get through the day. Because you know deep down in your heart that if he can be successful, you can be too.