Not that long ago I went with my sister and her friend Jake to see Donald Miller. It was at this church out in Hoover. We made sure to get there early enough to get good seats, and we did. We got seats in the second or third row, right up front. Before the show started, Stephanie wanted to go get something out of my truck. So she and Jake eased out of the pew and I told them I would save their seats.

After I said it, I heard the woman behind me turn to her husband and say, "Saving seats in church? Hmm... that's interesting." Wondering why this lady said that, it didn't take very long for me to gather that she deemed my action not very Christ-like. Being at a Don Miller event, it's not surprising that some of the people in the audience were a little critical, perhaps cynical, of church or other Christians. But that comment made me mad. I thought about it, tried to be open-minded, tried to see how reasonable her point actually was, but in the end I couldn't see it. Who in the world cares if I saved a seat for the people who came with me?

It made me wonder if that lady was one of those people who can't go into a church without finding something she doesn't like about it. Or if she is somebody who watches carefully what other Christians do, judging - waiting for them to make a mistake so she can catch them and make a sly comment about it.

It made me wonder if this lady is exactly like me.

I know I can be critical of Christians. In fact, I think my whole perspective towards the church is now one of watchful skepticism. Even the pastors and authors I like, I still read or listen to with hesitance; because it's hard for me to really trust anybody who talks about God like they really know what exactly is going on.

I think a lot of the criticism is justified, though. I'm really tough on Christian radio, but I think they deserve it. I think a lot of churches and people are absolutely absurd, and I won't back off on that.

But I don't want to be one of those people who just goes around looking for things to criticize. I don't want to judge people for saving seats in a church, and I don't want to take cheap shots at Christian institutions just because I'm bitter. I'd rather be more constructive than that.

I really just think that I do this because I have serious issues with my faith. God has traits and does things that really puzzle me. The other day a guy I work with was telling me about the TV show 'Lost' and he said, "Every time they answer one question, it just raises four or five more." 'Lost' sounds a whole lot like God to me.

There are things about God that really disturb me too - things that make me wonder if this God is really the true God at all. For instance, I can't at all reconcile these two statements:

1. God is good.

2. God kills people.

I can't do it. I have no idea how to explain why a good and loving God resorts to violence so many times in the Bible. Any time I see a person or a nation use violence as a solution to a problem I wonder, I hope, that there is a better way. But the great flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, the many times God sends Hebrews into battle to slaughter others - that tells me there's not. Because you would think that if there was an all-knowing and all-powerful God, then that God would know a better way. If people get in your way, then they have to be annihilated. I don't understand that.

I guess I'm at the point where if I am going to continue to grow, I need to get over my disgust with some of the Christians out there. Just like anybody else, Christians (for the most part) have always been messed up. There's nothing I can do to change that. Now it's time to start to deal with this God character and leave the rest to handle itself.